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Names for boobs: which is the breast of the bunch?

February 15, 2013

scrabble boobs

Maybe it’s just me, but the word “breast” never fails to send a shiver down my spine. It may be the most sophisticated and factual term you can use – a safe bet in conversation with people you don’t know – but it always just reminds me of a limp, shining chicken breast that wobbles when you touch it.  And frankly, that is not an association I particularly like to make.

But it has recently occurred to me that there is not a single alternative that I genuinely like, despite there being a pretty long list to choose from. The different words for breast manage to be all kinds of things – silly (knockers, bazoomas), gross (titties, dugs), offensive (honkers, chesticles), dowdy (bosoms)– but never, you know, nice. Even “boob”, which is probably the one I actually use, is just a little silly. Childish and wobbly-sounding, in my opinion.

To prove my point, I have put together all words for breasts that I (and some of my friends) can think of from songs, films, general slang etc. Ok, it’s not exactly scientific, and I’m sure there are loads that I’ve missed, but it seems pretty clear to me that there is not a single genuinely attractive one amongst them:

Baps
Boobs
Boobies
Tits
Titties
Jugs
Chest
Dugs
Bosoms
Cans
Pipes
Mammaries
Norks
Babylons
Knockers
Headlights
Hooters
Chesticles
Bazoomas
Bazukas
Honkers
Melons
Puppies
Rack
Lumps
Nunga nungas
Juicy doubles

So what exactly is going on? Why must our “juicy doubles” always be reduced to something silly, or gross, or whatever else it may be? Perhaps it’s awkwardness at having to talk about them, or disregard, or even misguided affection. But whatever the reason, I can’t help but feel that maybe, just maybe, there is an opportunity here for a brand new name. One that we can use without hesitation or shame. That is not demeaning or objectifying, but complimentary and attractive. Hell, one that we can shout from the rooftops with pride…

The only question now, is what?

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